Hello folks. I’ve decided to write about something today that has been bothering me for the last few years. I’ve noticed a problem lurking in our grocery stores that needs to be addressed. We all know that fruits and vegetables are a delicious and healthy way to meet our daily nutritional needs. I personally love fresh berries and dairy-free yogurt in the morning. What can be better than a large salad at dinner with avocado, olives, corn...the creative possibilities are endless. There is one food item, however, that threatens the very survival of the others. I am talking about Honeycrisp apples.
Honeycrisp apples are the destructive and evil child of the Macoun and Honeygold apples. The apple industry has created this uncommonly delicious foodstuff in an effort to control our eating habits and thusly control our minds. When Honeycrisp season comes around in September, who can eat anything else? Inevitably, the season ends, the apples are no longer available, and we then spend the rest of the year in withdrawl, unable to stomach any other apple. Granny Smith? No ma’am! Red Delicious? No, no, not delicious! Fuji? It doesn’t even have a clever descriptive phrase as a name!
If you are like me then you want to defend your freedom to eat and enjoy the food that nourishes your body without fear of mind control and slavery to the apple industry. The first step to this freedom is awareness of the savage authoritarians behind the Honeycrisp movement: The University of Minnesota. At a particularly vulnerable period in our nation’s history, the 1960’s, this supposed “institute of higher learning” (what does that even MEAN?) began a breeding program to develop new and more delicious apples. The very thought of such an endeavor brings to mind Hitlerian ideals of perfection. The unfortunate end result was the Honeycrisp.
It is with a heavy heart that I must inform the reader that the Honeycrisp only grows in popularity and deliciousness every year. Please do what you can to stop this movement. Contact your congress person. Inform the media about the evil inner workings of the University of Minnesota. Boycott markets that sell this forbidden fruit. As disgusting as it may sound, try other apples! You can do it! There are support systems out there for you when all you can think about is your next Honeycrisp fix. As a Honeycrisp survivor I am here to tell you that you can get through the cravings, through the tears, through the anguish, and come out the other end a better person for it. Together we are strong and can make a difference. Our voices will be heard.
University of Minnesota: You say Honeycrisp, I say HONEYCRAP. I will not be controlled!
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